My home team has been going through the book of Ecclesiastes and for me, there is not a more timely study to undertake at this stage in my life. I'm finding that having the mindset of living for today with a view towards Christ's Lordship in my life is as difficult as it is exhilarating. I'm really starting to identify with Solomon and his conclusions.
Follow the jump to read how.
Now that I've been back at IBM for a couple of weeks, the questions are starting to roll in regarding my impressions of the gig and how I like it. Since I happen to have this nice blog here which is quite useful for putting out general all-points bulletins that pertain to the Drewverse, I figured I'd just write out my impressions here and y'all can read about 'em at your leisure. So buckle up, buttercup, because the train's leavin' the station and we ain't turnin' it around anytime soon.
Honestly, I'm not really sure what to make of my current position. On the upside, I'm learning a lot and have been challenged pretty much from the get-go to work out my brain on a daily basis. I'm learning some good skills which will make me pretty valuable in the future: J2EE, WebSphere, DB2, Struts 2, DWR, dojo, perhaps some Hibernate, and all sorts of other acronyms that I don't even know the meaning of yet. And, I'm doing full site development from the ground up, and that will be really valuable as well.
The downsides are that I feel like I'm constantly chasing after the bus that is supposed to take me to school; I don't really know the technologies I'm being asked to work with, and it's taking me a lot longer than I would like to grasp the ideas. My team is almost 100% remote, even the ones here in Austin - I and one other woman are the only ones that come into the office on a regular basis. Therefore, it's not only hard to connect with my teammates on a personal/social level, it's hard to catch up on the development side of things because I can't just go next door and bug one of the other devs to sit down with me and help me out. People don't respond too quickly to instant messaging or email and NetMeeting and phone conferences can only take one so far and thus, I think I could really benefit from an hour or so of XP coding until I get my Struts 2 feet under me and really get a better feel for the nuts and bolts of the application that I'll be working on half of the time.
(As an aside, the reason I'm in the office is because my manager has a three-month "probationary" period before working from home. I guess he wants to ensure that I get going rather than work from home and have to battle potential distractions, which I completely understand. The odd thing is that nobody else is in the office, which leads me to feel slightly more isolated than I would feel if I worked from home because IBM is not comfortable. It's kind of a terrible work environment. I would understand the requirement a bit more if everyone was in the office, but since they're not, I'm kind of constantly wondering why I have to go in. I could potentially be more productive at home, having access to more computers and/or monitors.)
So, the summation is that it's hard work and it's challenging, which I like, but it's also somewhat isolating and frustrating because I'm not able to adequately get the help and contact which I believe that I need right now. I've been a "software developer" for twelve years now, and yet this is the first time that I've really been able to do what would be considered full-on, hardcore development work. I still need help because in this respect, I'm a n00b. This does, of course, lead to a lot of inner monologues and haranguing of myself about what I should and shouldn't be able to do and how quickly I should be able to pick it up, and that's probably not helping matters much. I really don't know what the expectations of me currently are, and so my mind has gladly made up extreme possibilities on its own; all I know is that I'm getting tired of reporting that I'm still stuck on the same form I was last week on our daily status calls.
We've just started studying Ecclesiastes in my home team and I'm really trying to put those lessons into practice by not worrying so much about the end product and just taking each day for what it is and trying to live it in the moment. Hopefully, this pattern of thought will help the next two weeks to get better and the two weeks after that to be even better still. God has put me here for some reason, and so I know that I have the capability to do the job, but maybe I need to ask Him for a little more help this time than I have in previous stints. I just don't really like that catching-up feeling, which is the situation that I have found myself in for the last two weeks, so I must learn to deal with it and, hopefully, overcome it sooner rather than later.
And that, as they say, is that. Aren't you glad you asked?
A conversation had with Jacob whist we were tooling around Houston before the gig on Friday has had me thinking ever since. It was about the sacrifices one has to make in order to pursue music seriously and with the advent of my second coming at IBM, it has me wondering if I'm willing to make them.
Editorial note: From this point forward, the term "musician" will refer to those individuals trying to make music a major part of their monetary sustainment. A "professional" musician, if you will, but not necessarily a signed artist or one with big-label or studio backing of some sort. I get tired of repeating myself.
Being a musician is a big commitment: a commitment to style (hair, tattoos, attitudes, clothing/image), a commitment to learning to play the instrument well, a commitment to the fans, and also a commitment to gear. Musicians don't have company subsidized health insurance, so most of them go without. Gigs pay but they don't pay much once it's all divided up amongst the band members, and even though you may be playing four nights a week, two to three of those nights might be weekday gigs with low numbers and therefore low pay. Everything costs money: gear, touring, recording, threads, practice space. Sometimes shows come up at the last minute and a band that is limited in time is also limited in audience. Particular style choices can be detrimental to corporate jobs (or even some service jobs). Mohawks and tattoos are generally frowned upon by corporate types.
Musicians also tend to have lower-strata jobs tending bar or working retail or service and the like because those jobs can be more flexible (due to fluid schedules) and can be easily blown off in the event that a big opportunity comes along. Some places are more understanding of the life of a musician and are much more flexible to absences on short notice. The problem is, these jobs don't typically pay much. I recall reading somewhere about one band who would get minimum-wage jobs when they weren't touring to barely make ends meet because they could quickly leave them to go back out on the road. There's no attachment to the company or much loyalty, and there's not a career ladder to be left. Jobs that don't require the arduous trek up the corporate ladder structure are a dime a dozen (and pay about that much).
Not to mention the fact that lugging your gear around (especially if you're a drummer) is a gigantic pain in just about everywhere.
All of this flies completely in the face of any type of career job where the work ethic seems to be the unspoken mantra of "overtime is expected". Companies expect their employees to give more and more to them, and that conflicts with the similar demands that music makes on a musician. The career job supplies all those things that makes music possible - money, insurance coverage, etc. - but demands more than its share of time which means that music must take a secondary place. New bands have to start at the bottom of the ladder, which means early-week shows at night; the more popular your band gets, the later the shows get because headliners always go last. That makes it really hard to get up for work the next day, my friends, and that lifestyle doesn't make good bedfellows with a corporate culture that prizes high output over a healthy work/life balance.
So here I am, newly back into the corporate culture, struggling to come to terms with my new hourly status (you mean I have to actually be working at work for 8 hours a day and I have to clock out to eat?), unsure of how much my new team toes the IBM party line when it comes to the unspoken policy of the expected 55-hour work week, and I've just come off of one of the better musical experiences in my life and wishing I could do that for a living. I really like to make music, and I really want to be part of something big musically. Life On Loan may be it; Five Dollar Friend might be it; or it could be some other opportunity with another band that I haven't even thought about yet. I want to be a part of that, but deep down inside I'm not sure that I'm willing to risk the hand-to-mouth potential that being a professional musician requires just to be in the (hopefully) right place at the (hopefully) right time with the (hopefully) right band. I don't know that there is a such thing as a "moderately successful" musician - you either have to make it big or you're always going to have to supplement it with some other work.
There's not really too much that can make me miss an opportunity to play music, and so I know that music is a driving passion in my life. But how much of a passion is it if I'm not willing to risk it all for its sake? Can it move me to the edge, and can I stay there long enough to wait? I had seven months to do that, and I failed to turn it into anything beyond a few experiences here and there. Am I Jack-Black-in-School-of-Rock hardcore? Is that a desirable place to be for me?
I don't know. That's my quandry.
** This post is based on my experiences and, while I believe that I am a typical single person and my views expressed here are common to other singles in general, my point of view may not represent everyone. I'm not really attempting to be the voice of a whole demographic here, but I do feel that I'm not the only one that feels this way. This post is an attempt to bring to light something that I've been ruminating on for quite some time and is maybe more for informational purposes only. Just like Charles Barkley, "I am not a role model." **
One of the touchiest subjects to broach with single folks is that of the relationship. You never know if someone that is not in a relationship is going stag by choice or whether they desperately want someone to canoodle with on a regular basis. One thing that has a high likelihood of being true is that discussions of relationships with single folks will engender hurt - either they're single now because they've been hurt by someone before or they're hurt that nobody seems to want to be in a relationship with them (or at least not the right people, that is). There are, of course, exceptions to this rule - some have decided to be single by choice and not as a reaction to some hurt or social ineptitude - and they are, therefore, beyond the scope of my discourse here today.
Whatever the case for singleness may be, there is one aspect of romantic relationships that affects every single person regardless of their choice of coupling - the loss associated with relational changes when one of their friends gets into a romance. Sometimes there are feelings of bitterness, of a "why them and not me?" reaction, but that's a discussion for another time because I don't think that feeling affects everyone upon hearing of their friend's new love. The feeling that does affect everyone, however, is the feeling of being replaced. This feeling is doubled when there are two friends involved in the relationship; rather than just losing one friend, now two friends have been lost.
Hi, everyone, and welcome to today's edition of my random, non sequitur-ial, and somewhat unrelated stream of questions that are bouncing about within my grey matter! Are you ready to play? Well, buckle up, buttercup...cuz the thought train's leavin' the station and we don't brook no whiners.
Feel free to chime in on any answers to questions, although feel free to keep your "you should do this..." instructional posts to yourself.
Now that the prospect of my returning to work has reared its ugly head, I think it is past time to reflect on the last seven months because this was the sabbatical that I had desired for quite some time. I have now been on both sides of the fence, to see if the grass really is greener on that other side and I have found what most anyone with any life experience already knows - the grass is the same shade of brown no matter which side of the fence you're on.
Watching BBC's Top Gear is not conducive for safe and non-aggressive driving. Tonight's episode had not only a Lamborghini Murcielago vs. McLaren SLR race on a 4-mile stretch of Dubai highway, but also featured a Bugatti Veyron vs. McLaren F1 on a 1-mile stretch of that same road to see if the former fastest production car in the world (the F1) can still keep up with the new champion (the Veyron). The Veyron won by a good car length, but it had to punch it to 230mph in order to do so.
Couple those visions (which basically amount to vehicular pornography) with music provided by The Prodigy on "Invaders Must Die" and you have a speeding ticket just waiting to happen. Thankfully, Gavin's place is closer to my home now and there were enough people still out on the roads at 1am to keep me from having a clear straightaway on which to open up the G35's 285hp V-6. In my current economic state, a $300 speeding ticket is just plain bad for bidness.
But someday....someday....I will take the G to a place where I can open her up and let her run full out. And, hopefully, I'll be able to take on KWall's 500hp Mustang Cobra and see how long I can keep up with it. Mmmmm....high speed.....
A while ago, I posted my old XBox and some games to go with it on Craigslist for $150 (and then $100) but it never sold and the ad hit the 30-day expiration date. Today, I decided to repost it for $50 as well as my old Treo 600 ($25) and Palm Centro ($75) phones. Within three hours, all of the items were either sold or spoken for with deals pending tomorrow.
It was a pretty amazing experience, and I was really surprised. Based on my previous post, I expected to get one or two Craigslist trolls (out of state, potential scam offers) but figured it would take a couple of days for my items to garner any notice, much less the rabid attention that they got. I mean, even my ancient Treo was snapped up while the ink on the ad was still virtually drying. I didn't expect that anyone would want it because it was so old, but apparently the first Sprint smartphone still has some mojo with the public.
One thing that I've noticed is that being a Craigslist newbie, I tended to be a lot more cautious about how I responded to the interested parties and I think that my reticence to be forthcoming with information may have made the initial stages of a transaction more difficult than they needed to be. I was worried about showing up somewhere and getting my merch jacked, and I'm sure that the person on the other end was worried about showing up with a wad of cash and getting someone's old junk or being taken in some other way. Distrust feeds distrust. One of today's transaction was brokered by somewhere around 40 emails because I was unwilling to divulge my phone number to facilitate making the transaction happen more quickly.
So, note to self: when meeting someone in a public place to sell an item that is not worth more than $100, be a little more open and trusting. It will help the person with the money feel more at ease and that will make the transaction more comfortable for everyone. If I'm not trying to scam anyone (which I'm not), don't act like I am. Kind of simple, but when you're inundated with "BEWARE OF SCAMS!" banners all over Craigslist it sort of puts you in a paranoid state of mind.
Overall, though, I've put some cash money in my pockets for things that I no longer use anymore, someone else is getting use out of the items for a greatly discounted price, and everyone's happy. Craigslist is a good thing, and I think I'm going to be getting rid of some more stuff there in the future. Next up, an old dresser that I have in my garage and isn't being used. Hooray for reselling! Maybe I should give that whole Amazon thing a try...
I've been gushing about the Pre for a couple of months now and this blog has become a casualty of my infatuation with it. The killer confluence of having no job but having a phone capable of web browsing and twittering has led to heavy use of the phone rather than the laptop (which, sadly, is also brand new but doesn't quite fit in my pocket as well as the Pre does). This got me thinking about my habits and why I'm quick to pick up first iterations of some things and yet so reticent to switch for others. Let me explain.
When it comes to phones, I will get the first iteration of a handset without waiting to see the initial reviews as long as I perceive the device being capable of inching me ever closer to my idealized version of the "one device to rule them all", Hitchhiker's Guide-like pocket media device. Software is a whole different matter: I jumped on the BumpTop bandwagon to try it out even though it is in beta, but only went to Windows Vista from XP because my new machines came with it preinstalled and putting XP back on them would be more pain than it was worth. You'd think that a technophile like myself would have the latest and greatest everything, but that's really not the case. If something works and it ain't broke, there's really no need to go replacing it and potentially setting myself up for the frustrations and quirks that new things generally possess the first time around until the early adopters help work out the kinks.
I think that it really boils down to the sexy factor of the device (yes, gadgets can be sexy). If a device fits into my idea of how I want to live and/or be perceived, then I tend to be more willing to accept potential design issues, irritations, and potentially high cost in order to have it; if the thing has some neat bells and whistles but doesn't really have any compelling features or reasons to switch (e.g. Vista vs. XP), then I am much more likely to keep the old and only switch to the new when forced. For example, if I internally see myself as some sort of hacker or coder where a laptop is the tool of the trade (as often happens after reading a William Gibson novel or watching Hackers), a new laptop or a new operating system that comes closer to matching my internal visualization is going to grab my attention. On the other hand, if I see myself as one of the digerati that wants to have access to information anytime, anywhere, the specific device itself fades into the woodwork and the dimensions of a device that will allow that always-on connectivity comes to the fore - hence, my current fascination with the Pre. My current persona is more interested in consuming information and communicating in short text bursts, quick photos with snarky commentary, or old-fashioned vocal conversation than in typing out long, well-constructed trains of thought about single subjects. This perception then results in a laptop sitting at home gathering dust and a smartphone on or about my person at all times which needs to be charged twice a day.
I'm generally not a patient person and when I am confronted with my own idiosyncratic behavior - a willingness to accept a half-baked device as "good" because it has some new functions that I desire greatly, in this case - it causes me to pause and take a look around. Perhaps that explains why I can get tired of new things so quickly; it probably explains why others get bored so easily too. My internal persona of who I perceive myself to be changes often enough that it impacts my spending habits for gadgetry and paraphernalia to support my current perception and when something new catches my attention, the previous acoutrements fall by the wayside to make room for something new. I fully expect that once I get another job, my laptop will surge back to prominence and my Pre will be relegated to my pocket for the majority of the day, to be used only in the short bursts of time that I'm away from my computer rather than to be the focal point of my online communications and information gathering activities.
Then it will become the search for the next latest thing and the cycle will start all over again. Which leads me to the point of this thought process: how does one become content with what one has and not get caught up in this lifetime battle to become the ever-changing persona they perceive themselves to be on any given day by constantly desiring to get the latest and greatest material goods to support that persona? That's the question I'm currently pondering these days.
What do y'all have to say about that?
The utopian society portrayed in shows like Star Trek will never happen.
That thought process went something like this, at a high level: thinking that the Pre is a great device, that it is pretty close to the Hitchhiker's Guide device that I want, what the universe would be like if everyone had access to all the information all the time (as in the aforementioned Guide), and then whether it is possible to level the playing field sufficiently so that the ultra-harmonious societies depicted in utopian-style sci-fi would be possible. I came to the conclusion that it would not be realistic to think that a peaceful world-wide society could exist - at least not for the human race, anyway.
Most of the utopian societal concepts are based on the premise that humanity is basically, intrinsically good. I submit, however, that it is just the opposite: humanity is basically, intrinsically evil and there are too few selfless people in the world and too many selfish people to completely quell the desire for power which a utopian society requires. Human beings are self-centered by nature and utopia calls for everyone to be other-centered in order for things to work. As soon as one person decides to do things for self, the utopia unravels and without everyone playing by the rules, utopia degenerates into anarchy. Personally, this is why I feel that communism and socialism (at least in their current forms as I understand them) can never really work for the long term.
Star Trek is interesting insofar as while the human race has reportedly found a conflict-free society on earth, the star ships that go exploring constantly meet conflict in other races. How would they go about reconciling that conflict with the ideals and naivete about people who only resolve conflict with violence? I wonder how utopian people can be encouraged to be individuals and strive for excellence and yet still be expected to abide by the tenets of a utopian society which, for all intents and purposes, would become a "lowest common denominator" type of society that could not allow commensurate compensation for excellent output? This would only work if one believes that a human being is intrinsically good and cares less about themselves than they do about others and would always be willing to give up their own ambition to compensate for the least among their group.
But, as I said, if you believe that humanity is incapable of that level of goodness from the get-go, then sci-fi tales of conflictless societies become exactly that - science fiction. Much of Jesus' teaching was what I would say were the ground rules for a utopian society - love your neighbor as yourself, love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, etc. If that was intrinsically part of our DNA, I don't think Jesus would have had to come and tell us these things over and over again (nor would Buddha, Muhammad, Ghandi, or any other notable peaceful or religious figures). Furthermore, they probably wouldn't have been met with opposition if it resonated with a basically good collective soul of humankind, and just about every religion in the world has either caused conflict or endured it at one time or another in its history. Even Jesus himself said that he didn't come to keep peace, he came to make it and that sometimes making peace involves engaging in conflict.
I don't think that we should ever stop making shows like Star Trek, or Fifth Element, or Logan's Run, or any other idealized take on future society; I believe that we should strive to make peace wherever we can and strive to get as much of humanity as will accept it going in the direction of an overall peaceful society. I just don't think that it can or will truly happen until the Prince of Peace comes back and the world is set right again like it was in the beginning before we messed it up. As we've seen time and time again from history repeating, the human vision of peace is something that is tenuous at best and cannot last for any real length of time. It's nice to hope for a perpetually peaceful society, but unrealistic and perhaps detrimental to pine or yearn for something that cannot ever come to pass. We have to get over ourselves and admit that we're broken people, not gods in waiting. I have to admit that I won't ever become basically good while on this earth, but can follow the One who is coming to make things truly, innately good once again and get a ticket for that time when utopia can finally come to pass because the ugliness that is human hubris will have gone away forever. I think our continual desires for this perfect society are just one more way that our subconscious cries out for a relationship with our Creator, oftentimes without us even knowing it or recognizing what is really going on.
Kind of an amazing thought process to get here from the humble seed of thinking about how much I like my Pre, huh? This is just the way my mind works, kids. Now you know.
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