Recently in Humor Category

JDev sent me this little bundle of awesome humor goodness....check out Austrian Death Machine's Total Brutal. It's a hardcore metal band with a lead singer who talks in the worst Arnie accent I've ever heard (with Arnie soundbites from the various movies thrown in for "authenticity") and who's songs are based on Governator one-liners from his extensive filmography. With lyrics and song titles like "Get to da Choppa", "Come With Me If You Want To Live", and "Here is Subzero, Now Plain Zero", how can you NOT give it a whirl? Any Schwarzenegger fan should check this out for sheer comedic value.

It's totally silly and yet totally awesome in the same vein as Metalocalypse. Checkit.

I'm still having trouble keeping my DSL connected, and AT&T is sending out a technician next Wednesday to figure out what the problem is. Like five days from now. Perhaps Penny Arcade's take on their own issues is really what's going on.

I know I'm a day late and several dollars short on this one, but I just got it forwarded to me and I'm still laughing as I think about it. If I ever decide to sell the G35, I'm going to have to give it a writeup akin to this one, but I fear that it will fall woefully short. I sure hope that this guy got more than the $12900 that he was asking for the most manly Nissan Xterra in the world. Originally posted on craigslist, duplicated here for posterity (and my own enjoyment).

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NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900

Reply to: sale-945361858@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-21, 5:15PM MST

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

Is answering email from overstuffed couch becoming too much of a chore for you? Are you bogged down by the perils of popularity? Are you regretting your facebook account because now you're connected to people from whom you can't get away? Well, worry no more! Google has heard the cries of the chronically lazy and now introduces....

Google Autopilot!*

Laziness truly knows no bounds, and now you can see just how boundless YOURS is with this nifty little app. It even works for GTalk!

*Google Fools!

How many times have I wished that I could do this? Too many to count, I tell ya...too many to count. Make sure to mouse-over the pic to get the additional alt-text.

I love XKCD.

As I was going through the old flotsam and jetsam of the wreckage that is the homepage that I built for myself in college, I came across the below photo and it reminded me of my mom. She cut this out of the newspaper and said that she's pretty sure this is how I looked when I was born:

I think it's actually some kid at an airshow, and his folks were smart enough to bring ear protection for the little guy. But when I was in junior high and high school, I pretty much had my walkman headphones melded to my head and Mom always complained that I was going to have to have them surgically removed. And thus, this was one of her parting shots in that discussion.

I told a story about my mom's side of the family a little while ago, so I figured that it was only fair that I pull one out from my dad's side and share it with y'all. This one also happens to revolve around a grandfather, but Grandpa Kidder couldn't have been more different than Grandpa Hassler and I think that this story will bear that out.

Grandpa Kidder was a jokester of the highest order - everybody had nicknames and the sarcasm flowed like wine whenever we were around him (and now you see that I come by it genetically, so there's nothing I can do about it). My aunt still calls me "Andrew H" because my grandpa always used to call me "Herman" (and sometimes "Herman the German", although I believe that any German lineage was diluted many, many years ago if it existed at all). Grandpa Kidder died when I was in second or third grade, but I do remember laughing a lot when I was around him and while he was well. He used to wear some black, horn-rimmed glasses which I apparently wore when I was somewhere around 3 months old (thanks to my cousin Shawn).

And, coincidentally, this story happens to involve Shawn's parents and my grandpa. I'm going to try to tell this story in written form, but since the main punchline of the joke is a phonetic one and writing may ruin it, it may not have quite the impact that it otherwise would. Anyway, here goes.

When my Uncle Don and Aunt Sharon (Shawn's parents) were pregnant with my cousin Michelle, they were talking to Grandpa about the new baby and what their plans were. Inevitably, Grandpa asked what they were planning to name it if it was a girl, to which Sharon proudly answered "Rasha Renee" because it was unique and different (which it certainly was). Grandpa said it over a few times with a little incredulity and as the sarcasm started to creep in, he replied with, "No, no, no...I've got a better name for you. You should name her 'Limone Limay'."

Apparently, Sharon missed the encroachment of sarcasm on the conversation and mulled that thought over in her head, repeating the words over and over: "Limone Limay...Limone Limay....Dad, you know, I think I like that name! Yes! Why don't you write that down?" Grandpa dutifully took a piece of paper, wrote out the name, and handed it to Sharon. She looked at it a few seconds and then with righteous indignation retorted, "Dad, this paper says Lemon Lime!"

To which my grandfather replied, "well, it's still a better name than Rasha Renee. At least lemon lime makes sense."

I love my family.

Oh man, how I wish I could be inside your head right now as you read that title. I can just imagine what you're thinking: "We've lost him to the DEVIL!", "I always knew that playing in a rock band would corrupt him", "There must be some odd point to that", or even "well, it's about TIME!" I do live in the blue spot in the sea of red that is Texas, and my city's mantra is "Keep Austin WEIRD"...and I suppose that the longer I ramble on about this, the more your mind is wondering what my angle is. It's killing you, isn't it? Hopefully it wasn't too much for some of you...I really don't want my dad to have another heart attack.

What's up with that?

Well, as promised, the Master Pancake Theater crew delivered a hilarious rip on RoboCop last night. RoboCop is not a good movie, by any means - but it's one of the classics that I've held dear in my geeky heart since 1987. The interviews with Paul Verhoeven before the movie started where he was talking about his inspiration for how he directed RoboCop was hysterical, with him making the preposterous statement that he envisioned RoboCop as "an American Jesus" in several instances. I can only hope with all that is in me that this little bit is on the 20th Anniversary Big Mess 'O Cop badass DVD that I got a few weeks ago, so I can watch this clip over and over whenever I need a good belly laugh. Having my wingmen 9AM and Kylesama there with me to enjoy the festivities was also a nice treat. Comedy is so much better when you're with friends.

And, the MPT crew delivered a pretty amusing intermission skit. One of the fellers made the costumes that they wore, and the jokes were pretty good as well. However, the ED-209 character stole the show:

In case you don't recognize the caricatures from the movie, (from L-R) that's Bob Morton, RoboCop, some unnamed robot that they made up that just spit out coke cans from the flap at the bottom, and ED-209. The whole skit ended up with ED-209 trying to put a star on the tiny little Christmas tree on stage there, as a "distraction" by RoboCop so that Bob Morton could get away. It culminated with ED flipping over and thrashing about with a pig-like sqealing temper tantrum just like the hapless bot in the movie when it fell down the stairs.

The only thing that was really irritating was that one of the guys kept calling the movie "Robot cop". I'm hoping that he was doing it for the funny, and this isn't just my overbearing pedanticism kicking in here, but it just sounded weird when he was the only one doing it every time he said the name of the movie - even as Bob Morton. It just made it sound kind of sad, like he just didn't get the name of the movie. I mean, all he really had to do was make up a bit that was like, "RoboCop? Where's the "t"? Why did they stop the word one letter short? Just to setup that stupid 'Go robo!' joke there in the middle? That's dumb! I'm not doing it! No! It's going to be Robot Cop or nothing tonight, dangit!"

Sheesh, they should hire me for that show.

Anyway, if you get a chance and you're local (and not a prude), you should go check out a Master Pancake show at your earliest convenience. You'll never watch these movies the same way again - just ask Kyle about Top Gun. I'm really sad that I'm going to miss the Christmas show, but this was a good way to go into the holidays.

By the way, this was my first trip to the downtown Alamo since they moved into the old Ritz theater and I gotta say, I like the new venue a lot more than the old one down at 4th and Colorado. A bigger theater, nicer entryway, space for the Mondo Tees store, and everything was just a better experience. I liked it a lot - good going, Alamo Drafthouse! I apologize for spending all my time at the Lake Creek and Village locations! I promise to get down to the Ritz at least 200% more this next year than I did last year! Yes! I will!

*Ahem* Yes. Well. I enjoyed myself.

I started this blog because I wanted to have an outlet for my writing creativity, and I will say that I (probably arrogantly) fancy myself as a bit of a wordsmith who is capable of telling a witty story or doing an everyman-style review of everyday things in an interesting manner and with enough good grammar to make that high school English teacher who told me that I "had no potential" blush and eat not a little bit of crow. Wait. She didn't tell me that I had no potential to be a good writer, now that I think about it. I think she was talking about me playing piano or something, and I think my current musical machinations would tend to blow that little theory right out of the water. If I can get 3 or 4 of my limbs moving independently of one another on the drums, I would think that playing piano would be fairly easy if I sat down and put some concerted effort into it. But, I digress; that is a discussion for another time.

I bring up this topic of BrainDrain origins because, through a fairly odd chain of events, I've ended up following several people on Twitter that I would love to be able to write like. I started off by following Chris Hastings (of Dr. McNinja fame), who is following John Hodgman (who has recently become one of my favorite humorists), who is following Wil Wheaton (yes, that Wil Wheaton).

Let me take a moment to talk about Wil Wheaton. Wil is a pretty interesting character. I still kind of lump his character of Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation with Scrappy-Doo in the dustbin of "annoying bit parts that ruined an otherwise good show". But then I recall that he was also kind of the main character in the movie Stand By Me, which I enjoyed quite a bit. He's been in a lot of other things, and I'm sure that he hears that whole "I hated Wesley Crusher" bit a lot so just in the off chance that he ever stumbles across this blog, I'm going to stop talking about that because it's not really the point of this post anyway. He's interesting because he writes about his true self on his blog - WWdN: In Exile - that gives insight into who he is outside of the characters he has played in movies and television. He sounds like someone that I would probably gravitate to were we in close enough proximity to do so. And, he writes very well...there's something about how he composes blurbs about mundane things that make them sound so interesting. In fact, it's almost like we're already friends, the way his writing is composed. I don't necessarily feel like I'm reading something from somebody famous, it's just one of my friends' blogs that I read to keep up on their lives. Gah, I'm gushing now. Okay, I'll stop that. No more gush about Wil.

Anyhoo, I bring these fellas up (and I want to bring in Bill Bryson and Douglas Adams as mentors to name-drop, and even my local homeboy Mark Dillow [see No Clear Line in the friendly blog links at left]) because all of these guys have elements in their writing that I aspire to emulate. I don't want to duplicate them, of course, but I would like to be able to write about things which are as banal as who my influences are with a style and panache that causes people to think to themselves, "hey, that was interesting." Astra has a Twitter plugin and seeing their rather prolific entries has stirred that desire within me once again to write just for the sake of writing. I've grown up in a family of storytellers and I'm sure that my dad could give old Heathcliff Huxtable himself a run for his money on the "days of yore" story time. I want to continue that family tradition, for I think that the art of really compelling storytelling is kind of dying out these days.

I'm a talker by nature - ask any of my elementary school teachers how many days went by in a given school year where I didn't receive demerits for talking and they can probably each count those days on their fingers - and so I think that the blog is an outgrowth of that. Both of my parents would have great stories to tell, and both sides of my family has a wealth of back history and color from which to draw on that was passed on to me. Some people can make even day-to-day activities seem somehow more than they are with the right phrasing and use of dialog (e.g. Wil's tweet in less than 160 characters about losing car keys for 2 hours, only to find out that they were in the ignition the whole time). I know that I tend to be opinionated at times, but I don't really want to be opinionated anymore...I want to be compelling, and I think that there is a difference. Opinionated seems more concerned with being right, and compelling is more about making the reader come to grips with something but make their own decision rather than the same one I made. The idea of compelling writing in my mind means that the reader hears themselves saying I have to read that! without giving them the return vibe of you have to come to the same conclusion the writer did! I'm kind of tired of being opinionated and I desire to be compelling so that people come away with a sense of feeling empowered or challenged to do something great with their lives like these other authors challenge me when I read their work.

Maybe that's what I'll do from time to time here. If I don't have anything particularly noteworthy to write, maybe I'll share some of those classic family stories that have enriched my life in hopes that maybe you'll find the humor in them and possibly a connection to your own family history, heritage, and life experiences. After all, the best writers are those that generate those connections with their audiences and create worlds with which the reader can identify. And thus, even though all but one of the names I mentioned will probably never know me or realize the impact they've had on my psyche and desire to write, I do consider them as mentors because I watch what they do, I learn from what they write, and the more I read of them the more my own creativity changes and the words that I put "to paper" reflect the hodge-podge of their combined creativity.

If you find any joy in what you read here on this site, aside from any innate talent that God has given me for this sort of thing, it's most likely due in large part to them and several other favorite authors of mine that I'm sure have had an unrealized influence on my wordsmithery. I pay homage to them with every sentence that I type, and one day I hope to be as compelling to others as they are to me.

Thank you, gentlemen.