BrainDrain

Capitol Idea

2008-08-28T05:45:11Z

Today the Father Figure and I went to meet up with 9AM for lunch at an Austin original, Threadgill's, to get some southern home cookin' before heading downtown to tour the capitol building and the Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum. I had never actually taken the capitol tour, so that was a nice way to spend some time and catch up on learning my Texas history (if I want to be an official citizen and all). However, that was a lot of walking and by the end of it we were a little too pooped to pop. We hoofed it back to the Bullock and decided to head back home once we got rousted by a security cop for not paying the admission fee. We were cheap and decided that $8/person was too much to pay for more Texas history that we wouldn't remember. Besides, it was getting late anyway.

Before we made that trek, though, I decided to drive him by the Governor's mansion (since it's still closed down due to being lit on fire a couple of months ago) and take him down Congress street into South Congress to show him how things have been gentrified and what is going on as a whole in Austin, and also to take him down Barton Springs to show him the original Chuy's and Zilker Park where the Austin City Limits festival is held. While we were down there in SoCo, I discovered a little graffiti enclave just one block south of Home Slice pizza right on Congress:

There were several buildings there that were covered with high-quality graffiti much like the tagging that I came across last week near Katz's Deli. I'm pretty sure that at least one of the artists is the same due to the reappearance of the three-eyed head and at least one of the same tags. I didn't get more pictures because I had dad with me and had left him in the running car on the curb so I could snap the pictures, and I was also unsure of whether or not I was trespassing on private property or something and felt a little weird about snapping a bunch of pictures with my camera phone. However, I think that some Saturday I'll get one of my photography buddies to head on down there with me and catalog the stuff that's down there. I think I'm going to make that my own little flickr project: a pictorial record of Austin graffiti.

Overheatin'

2008-08-26T03:36:30Z

Today's Austin tourism plans got derailed today due to the Valkyrie overheating. Yep, all of a sudden the temperature gauge shot up to hot, Hot, HOT! and steam started pouring out from under the hood. Fortunately for me, I had just been showing Dad around the GHBC campus, so we were able to pop the hood, let the engine cool a little, and refill the radiator with enough water from the church kitchen to allow me to drive the G to the dealership to have it looked at all emergency-like. Even better, I was able to take it into the dealership and get a loaner today so that we can still get around until they tell me what's wrong.

I'm not really looking forward to hearing how much it's going to cost me because, of course, the car is just out of warranty (as of March). And overheating can usually indicate anything from a simple, relatively cheap repair like a hose replacement to a water pump issue that can be a multi-hour repair and cost boucoup bucks. Ouch. Here's to hoping that it's the former (or at least some sort of part recall that I'm not aware of or something like that) and that I'll end up paying less than a c-note for the repairs and an oil change.

Cross yer fingers, kidz....

Mi Padre Es En La Casa

2008-08-25T05:19:14Z

For the first time in, like, 30 years, my dizad is in the Austin hizouse. He and my mom came down about 3 years ago to Dallas for a big family shindig, but it was a whirlwind affair and my dad didn't get to see any of my stomping grounds - so it doesn't really count. The last time I can remember him coming down with us on any of our vacations and stuff was when I was like 5 years old or something. But now he's here in the ATX and we're gonna tear things up, Kidder style (which probably means a lot of sitting around watching TV and nodding off). He got in okay and on time, with no ill effects or wear and tear (even though he flew Delta - go fig).

I'm taking the week off of work to hang out with Pops, and we'll do the requisite touristy things for the first part of the week. The plan for the rest of the week is that my Aunt Lisa is planning to come down from Big D on Wednesday or Thursday and then my Uncle Sim and his wife will roll into the ATX on Friday so's we can head down to San Antonio to have a big 63rd birthday shindig for him with the rest of the extended family. We'll cap the week off by finishing some of my mom's final wishes, which was to have her ashes spread on the wildflower fields to help next year's bluebonnets grow up big and tall, and then El Papa will return to Indiana after church on Sunday of next week.

This week should be fun and it's really good to have Dad in my neck of the woods and seeing with his own two peepers what I've become and how I'm doing. Hopefully, he'll have a good time and will have nothing but good things to say to those back in Indiana, and maybe this week will afford me the opportunity to see some things that I have still not seen here in Austin in the eight years that I have lived here.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

2008-08-20T04:57:49Z

This post is going to be somewhat of a stream of consciousness - a legitimate "brain drain", if you will - that I've been bouncing off of various and sundry people over the last couple of weeks. It's something that has sprung up in my thoughts as I've attempted to wrap my brain around the idea of solitude and God's unconditional love. As a church, we're getting set to talk about the 1-2 punch of relationships (not just husband/wife, but friend, platonic, romantic, etc.) and missional living, something that requires learning how to love unconditionally in order to be successful.

So, the thoughts that I've been having have basically centered on the contradictory nature of the following responses that I have observed in life: why is it that a man is considered a fool for loving a woman unconditionally (especially when that love is unrequited) and yet would be considered "spiritual" if he loves God in the same manner? On it's face, this probably doesn't sound like a difficult question, so let me add to it a little bit. Out of the same mouth comes admonition to "move on" if human love is not returned on the one hand, and exhortation to "love no matter what" on the other. How can we love God in a way that we can't love a human being?

]]> I don't know that I'm anywhere close to having an answer to this question. I've been thinking back on many conversations that I've had with guy friends over the years who have the attitude of "just cut her loose and don't waste anymore cycles on her" if a woman that he's interested in does not return his affections, and I'm convinced that that kind of thinking just has to have an impact on the way that we love God. I know in my head that God is an infallible being and is perfectly able to love without condition, and is worthy to be loved as such while humans are not, but I'm wondering how having conditional love for people here on this earth gets us any closer to being able to love God in an unconditional manner. 1 Corinthians 13 would seem to indicate that we should love someone passionately regardless of their response or return.

As I've studied solitude and the beattitudes, it is becoming clearer to me that unconditional love can only come when you are able to love yourself. Separating out our love for God and our love for fellow human beings by the dichotomy shown in the opening statements ("don't waste time" on someone who doesn't return your affections and then being conversely admonished to unquestioningly and unconditionally love a God no matter how He chooses to treat you) makes it a thousand times more difficult to have a concept of a) how God loves us and b) why we should love God. I think it's kind of impossible to have any notion of solitude without having unconditional love.

As an aside here, I want to comment a bit on that "why we should love God" statement because I know that some of you have your hackles up about that already. It goes back to a post I wrote a while ago about not being able to hear what God's voice sounds like and the assertion that most of us don't know what it sounds like. I make statements like "why should we love God?" with the notion that most people who read this probably feel similarly to me in regards to God being a distant king, or someone that can be persuaded by actions, etc. Very rarely have I gotten an immediate response to something I've been asking God for and since I can't hear him very well, sometimes it seems like he just doesn't answer me (even though my head knows that he does). That's the tach that I'm taking here - the idea that God has this plan for me but when I can't hear a response, it's the same feeling as unrequited love with a woman...an image of trying to get someone's attention but not being able to do so. Because there's not an immediate response, a voice, a flash of light, a plague of locusts, whatever, I often times feel a "yeah, but what have you done for me lately?" sort of attitude towards God. And hence, that's where this question comes from.

But, I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, solitude requires unconditional love. "Love" is a pretty strong word and evokes some pretty strong emotions upon the mere mention of it in conversation. I've been noticing (and I don't think it's been just within myself) that the disconnect here is that when the word "love" is spoken, we immediately think only in the romantic sense (or, I suppose, in the intensely close best friend scenario like David & Jonathan). I don't think that agape love as the foundation of both eros and fileo is recognized and there's some sort of separation there such that when a relationship moves out of eros (e.g. a break up) or fileo (e.g. a best friend moves away), it's incredibly difficult to go back to an agape sort of love.

By way of example, a relationship between a man and woman starts with agape (I love you for who you are as Christ made you) and then one person decides to make a play to move the relationship into eros. A whole different set of expectations is placed and the other party decides not to return those sentiments, keeping the relationship from progressing into that romantic direction. Now, my point here is that it will be very difficult to go back to the basic agape love because there's generally a dialing back of passion. In the "cut her loose" scenario, the person wanting more is admonished to stop thinking about the other, stop deferring to the other, and basically to stop considering the other - just throw them back in the dustbin with everyone else that chooses to maintain a distance. An interesting side question: how does one "cut your losses" with eros but also continue to love that person unconditionally and passionately in an agape sense when the intimacy was spurned?

That took me on another train of thought, then - can the idea of romance, or even the word, be applied to agape or fileo love? Don't necessarily get hung up on the word itself - I'm talking about the idea. I think there are several fine examples of passionate non-erotic love in the Bible - David & Jonathan, Mary & Martha, Jesus and the apostles - but I've noticed that this is not really done in today's society. We don't have passionate agape love for strangers; we don't do any of the things as laid out in 1 Cor. 13 because those things make us gullible or liable to be taken advantage of. As a result, we compartmentalize our passion for only those relationships where we receive reciprocation and know that our love is well received. That passage doesn't say that this love is only between husband and wife, or brother and sister; this passage is about love in general, pure and simple. The words used are the very words of passion and romance: always trusts, never fails, does not boast.

What would our lives look like if we loved everyone passionately? If we were always thinking of others first? In my mind, the notion of romance has to do with letting someone know that you're thinking about them and that your life is better because they're a part of it. We've trivialized it to the point that it is used as a weapon to woo someone with the hopes of getting some physical response, but I submit that Christ loved everyone he came into contact with as passionately as the next person. Romance takes risks and exposes one person to another because the romantic one wants so much just to make the other happy. But it's conditional - if I don't get the response I want, well...I'll just stop making those overtures because they're not reciprocated. But nowhere in the Bible does it say "only love them if they return that love".

I am now at an impasse - the solitude and rest which I so desperately seek requires that I have unconditional love and that I love everyone as passionately as I can no matter if they're someone I'm physically attracted to, someone charismatic, someone down on their luck or someone who doesn't live up to any single standard which I hold. I am incapable of that love, and I don't think that I will ever be capable of that love while I am here on this earth because the entire world system is one that puts conditions on love. So, how does one gain that romantic, passionate, unconditional love for every other person on this planet that is talked about in the Bible and also learn to love a God who is the very embodiment of that and yet does not show it in a way that this mortal plane can understand and latch on to? How does a person trapped in a world of conditional love even begin to understand the unconditional love, let alone attempt to act it out and give it to others?

Now, I know that several of you have been eagerly awaiting the end of this post to start writing your thesis comments (if you haven't started already) and divulge all those little theological nuggets and expository hooplah that you're just itching to tell. However, I don't really want those comments. What I want to hear from you, my faithful peanut gallery, is how you are coming to grips with and implementing a romantic notion of unconditional agape love. I'm not really interested in what Great Theologian X has to say - I want to hear feet-on-the-street, real-world, I've-spent-too-may-sleepless-nights-thinking-about-this answers.

There....now you may start the comment flood.

Gemini Division is Online

2008-08-19T06:12:35Z

Gemini Division, a new sci-fi web-only show starring Rosario Dawson (Kids, Sin City), went online today and the first two episodes are up. This is a made-for-the-web serial so the eps are only 6-7 minutes long, but the site seems to be pretty cool. The basic premise is that old chestnut of the gubmint creating super soldiers, some of said super soldiers go AWOL and try to be "normal", and then the hottie lady cop falls in love with one of 'em and must choose which side she's on. Pretty standard plot, but the first two installments have been pretty interesting as the presentation is kind of a "vlog" format (think lonelygirl15). Check it out.

Austin Graffiti

2008-08-19T05:19:33Z

I met my friend Kyle for dinner at Katz's Deli ("Katz's Never Kloses!") in downton Austin tonight, and was grumbling about the fact that the formerly free parking right next to it is now a pay-to-park lot. I ended up having to park a block behind Katz's on the street, but as it turns out it was a good thing because I came upon a spectacular example of some local graffiti art on the back of a building near the corner of 7th street and Rio Grande:

It was pretty cool to find some fairly spectacular street art here in Austin, what with my recent affinity for that sort of thing. I was looking for some good graffiti art to be a background for my phone so it was a nice surprise to actually stumble upon some right here in the 'hood that I didn't have to download from somewhere else. Click the pic to go to the flickr set of the whole wall to see all the streety arty goodness.

Centro Mk. 2

2008-08-18T19:07:38Z

I took my new brick into the Sprint store nearest me pretty much right when they opened, but still ended up getting in there behind some lady that didn't really know what she wanted and for some inexplicable reason, the only person on duty today was the manager - perhaps he thought Monday was going to be slow for some reason. Anyway, once the clueless girl in front of me wandered off to make some other calls or something about the new plan she wanted for her mother, I stepped up to the podium.

Once I told the guy what happened, he just immediately started the process of ordering me a new one. This is not an uncommon problem and apparently the Sprint techs don't know how to fix it so they just replace the phone (I wonder when Palm is going to get around to figuring out what the problem is and releasing a firmware update for it?). Luckily (more on this later) I was able to get a replacement phone this morning and as of right now, it seems that I'm back up and on the grid once again. And, surprisingly, neither the world nor my social life had completely disintegrated during my foray into the dark - well, surprising to me at any rate; I'm sure you all knew all along that nothing would happen. Smarty pants. I was just able to take the new phone to the office and synch it up with my laptop and I'm back in black. An interesting side note is that the manager at Sprint said, "I can give you a new phone, but I won't be able to get any of your contacts off of the old one." When I told him that I'd just synch it up with my PC and not to worry about it, he says, "Really? You actually use the synch software? You'd be surprised at how many people don't use it and then just lose everything when their phone breaks. They give you the software and stuff for free, but very few people use it." I find this pretty interesting because I thought that was the whole reason to get a palm-based smartphone in the first place...

Note for Sprint Customers Regarding Phone Replacement: Here's a little gem that I discovered this morning - Sprint stores will no longer just replace your bricked phone with one from the in-store inventory unless they have to. Their current policy now is to order a new one from the warehouse and have it shipped to the store because that doesn't cut into their inventory and prevent new sales of your model of phone. This may depend on the popularity of the type of phone, but just be forewarned - you may not walk out of the store with a replacement phone and might have to go dark for a few days until your new handset arrives. Here's where that "luckily" bit came in for me today: there weren't any Centros available to order for replacement today, so the default is to then replace the phone out of inventory. So, I actually did walk out with a replacement phone and a small hiccup in my service continuity. Had they actually had one available for replacement, I wouldn't have gotten it until Wednesday at the earliest, which put me into total overdrive from a communications paranoia point of view. But...that crisis has been averted and all is back to what passes for normal around here.

I wonder what call or text message God decided I didn't need to get last night?

Communication Paranoia In Full Effect

2008-08-18T04:16:42Z

I love newfangled technology. I also hate it when it acts up and as of today, I have a nice new high-technology paperweight courtesy of Palm, Inc. I was attending a fine barbecue and spending some time at the pool and just generally having a nice Sunday afternoon when my phone decided to just freak out and stop working. I got out of the pool to check my messages and make plans for the evening, and all of a sudden the Centro just decided to try to repeatedly hotsynch (even though there wasn't a laptop for miles around). I was able to respond to one text message but then I couldn't get the phone to turn off or do anything. So, I started the reset process which began by removing the battery and after that....el Centro was el dead-o.

Apparently this is a known issue because I was able to quickly find several posts with people complaining of the same problem and from what they said, it sounds like I'm going to have to get it replaced because the Sprint techs apparently don't know what to do to fix it. Gee thanks, Palm...thank you for taking care of this issue for the rest of us. I went through 3 or 4 Treos with stuff like this, and I was really hoping that the Centro would be a little bit more robust. *sigh*

Of course I'm thinking that everyone I have ever known is trying to call or text message me right this very moment and it's driving me insane. And thus, my first order of business will be to take the Centro into the Sprint store and get my communications back (although I have no illusions that it will be a quick or painless process). I think that's a valid reason to be late for work, don't you? So if you need to get ahold of me tomorrow, your best bet might be to email me until you hear otherwise because that's as technological as I get these days.

I'm freakin' out, man....

One Step Closer

2008-08-14T05:44:40Z

Now that the demo's done and out in the public domain to be heard by one and all, the next step in the newly burgeoning career of Life On Loan is to get a press kit done. And the first step in that is to get some pictures taken, which we has now happened as of today. We went for a few different looks....had some taken amongst some rocks and boulders, some taken around some new construction for that more industrial flavor, and then a few taken while walking along some railroad tracks and such. Hopefully, we'll have them back in a couple of weeks so that we can use them on the poster for the gig we're opening on Sept. 13.

Once we have the pictures back, we can get to the bidness of working up a band bio, getting some concrete contact information and printing up business cards and such. As if that weren't enough, we're going to need to have it in both digital and hard copies to be ready to distribute on a moment's notice and once that happens, our transition to another shamelessly self-promotional band will be complete. Prepare yourselves now...this is probably the last warning you're going to get.

Demo EP, Upcoming LOL Show, Odds 'n Ends

2008-08-11T03:23:29Z

Heya, kidz....the Life On Loan demo EP is finally done and has been posted on the myspace page for the world to hear (check the "what's happening with LIFE ON LOAN?" link to your left there in the sidebar). Gavin met with Cliff to finalize some niggling issues that we had with the pre-masters, and we had the finished product in our hot little hands by the end of the day on Saturday. We're pretty proud of it now, and so we'd love for you to head on over to the official LOL page and take a listen and leave some comments if you're so inclined. I think things came out great for a demo package where days weren't spent on recording a single song. There are always things that I think that I personally could have done better or played differently, but overall it's a great recording and representative of where Life On Loan is now as a band. Our next step is to get some photos taken and a press kit put together so that we can start sending stuff out to venues around Austin.

Speaking of which, LOL has been asked to open up a show at GHBC for a band coming into Austin on September 13 called Remedy Drive. The show is going to be open to the public, so we're pretty excited about the opportunity to play with an up and coming band like Remedy Drive. Hopefully this will give us a good jumping-off point for the live LOL experience to help generate a fan base that will come see us out and about in Austin - it certainly can't hurt to be able to tell a prospective venue that we can bring in X number of fans to pay covers... Big things are a-happenin' in the music world for us, and hopefully this is the start of something good.

In the "what's new" department (aside from Mario Kart Wii - w00t!), thanks to the aiding and abetting by GMoney and 9AM, I have picked up a Savoy humidor and some CAO stogies (Italias and Brasilias) to go with the spiffy new lighter and cutter that I got for my birthday. I will occasionally indulge in a little of the gentlemanly pastime and I figure that it's time to stop mooching off of my buddies and pony up for some cigars of my own. There's just something so pretentious about the whole thing, though...kind of like going to wine & cheese parties. I'm not sure if it's the imagery of the powerful yet shady boy's club powermongers making plans for world domination in dark mahogany-paneled rooms while sitting in high-backed leather chairs, taking sips from their snifters of brandy, or whether it's the romanticized vision of the mob boss pronouncing judgement on those who had failed him from under a pall of smoke. Maybe it's just the fact that it seems to be something which someone could become an afficionado of, and that right there just seems to shout "PRETENSE!" But, for better or worse, I am now a member of that pretentious club, and I think I like it.

That should about sum it up for this weekend. If you're still with me, take some time to head over to myspace and check out our tunes and friend us if you have a myspace account to help us get the word out. We'd surely appreciate it.

Mario Kartin'

2008-08-09T06:05:51Z

I'm glad that the last post garnered so much activity in the comments section because I've been filling all my free time with Mario Kart on the Wii and now I don't feel so bad about going a few days between posts. Dad got me a surprise late gift and I've been having a blast with the wii wheel - I've completed all the 50cc courses and am now working my way through the 100cc bikes and have been playing a bit online. If any of you out there are Karters, let me know and we'll do some racin' across ye olde internete. So, if I don't post for another day or two, you'll know why.

Thanks Dad!

On Being A Selfish Malcontent

2008-08-06T04:29:11Z

Perhaps malcontent is a bit strong of a word; it's more discontent, really. This thought process has been a-brewin' in my noggin for quite some time now and it's the subject of daily ruminations as I struggle to find the meaning in my existence as a Christ-follower. I say that as a disclaimer in case things come out in a jumbled or unclear fashion - I'm going to do my best to be coherent, but since I'm not all the way through this concept yet, I'm sure there are going to be some spots that come across alternatively dogmatic and fluid in very close proximity. So just bear with me, and maybe we'll arrive at some sort of point of agreement (or at least thought) together.

How many of you out there have seen Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Kahn? Remember that part where they put those earwig thingies into Chekov and that other guy's helmets and it burrows into their ear and controls their mind? Well, yes...it creeped me out for years as well, thanks for asking. But that's the best analogy I can think of to describe what this study on loneliness vs. solitude and hatred vs. hospitality is like in my head. It's burrowing ever deeper, sometimes causing me great pain and splitting headaches, all with the intent of changing how I think and making me susceptible to influence by someone else. That pain that I'm experiencing is the exposing of the real me - the selfish, desperately lonely yet stubbornly willful person that I am underneath the facade that I present to the public - and the resistance of the old me to the knowledge and change that is trying to take control.

Nouwen says in Reaching Out that hatred can't become true hospitality until the individual has begun gaining success in the battle of moving from loneliness into an attitude of solitude, and more and more I'm finding that solitude can be equated with contentment. But the real core of all my issues with this idea have come down to this one thing: I don't really know what God's voice sounds like.

]]> Ask most Christ-followers and they'll probably say that they know what God's voice sounds like because they've received an answer to prayer or gotten something that they've wanted at some point in their lives. Call me cynical if you will, but I'll bet that the number that has truly heard God's voice on a consistent basis is incredibly low - which is why I'd say that the #2 most often repeated prayer request is "God, give me your answer in a way that I can understand and not possibly miss" (second only to the ever-popular time management prayer request so that we can squeeze in our devotional time to get that checkbox off the list). I'll also submit that most of the time that Christ-followers hear God's voice, it sounds an awful lot like their own. I've noticed that being definitely true in my own life.

Part of the reason for this is that God does speak to each one of us differently and the methods that one person uses may not work for the next person. A good example of this would be the coincidence versus divinely ordained happenings debate (even more amusing when each argument comes out of the same person at different times). Let's take a job for example: say I'm unhappy at my job and have been praying for God to show me what my purpose is there and whether I should stay there and stick it out or whether I should go somewhere else. Let's say after a week of praying, I get an email from a company that I really want to work with and I start the process, only to have it turn out that I'm not what they're looking for. Some would say that was merely coincidence and that the timing, while fortuitous, wasn't really meant to be a portent or "the voice of the Almighty" saying that it was time to leave the job; others would say that God brought it into my life for a reason. And here's where the confusion sets in: if it was coincidence, does that mean that God hasn't answered (is silence an answer)? On the other hand, if it was God's answering my request, by virtue of the fact that I didn't get it, what is he trying to say?

That's when the idea sort of came to me that I wouldn't know God's voice if he came up and shouted into my ear (well, okay...that's not entirely true. I probably would hear that). I kept getting confused by things that would happen with situations or people that I had prayed about but didn't exactly end up with the result I was hoping for and didn't also end up with a seemingly clear answer on what the interaction meant. Even more frustrating to me was the notion that engaging in solitude is very similar to contentment and in order to do that, I need to be able to hear God's voice. I need to be able to hear God say, "I am not going to give you that thing you asked for, but I am giving you this because it's better for you." I've been drawn to the example of Elijah who went from hearing God's voice in a spectacular way (God answered him with fire raining down from heaven) to hiding for his life in a cave and not being able to hear God talk to him anymore. God spoke in an earthquake, through birds, fire, and finally in the smallest of voices...which Elijah finally heard after he had kicked and screamed himself out and finally sat down with nothing left to do but listen. And in the end, this is how loneliness is overcome and solitude is accomplished - in order for God to speak into me and love me the way I ache to be loved, I have to shut my mouth and be able to hear his voice over my own din and ruckus. And just like Elijah, it usually takes days or weeks of kicking, screaming, bargaining, pleading, and mistaking my own voice for God's before the true voice of God comes through. And just like Elijah, it's usually in a still, small, and quiet voice that oftentimes starts with the phrase, "So....are you ready to listen now?"

I think that a life of solitude (if in attitude more than actual physical location) is one where this "kicking against the goads" phase becomes shorter and shorter and the quietly sitting and listening phase gets longer and longer. But this is hard - very, very hard - and I don't think that most Christians have done it for that very reason. We can't admit to anyone else that we don't really know what God's voice sounds like because that's....well, that's just un-Christian. We don't want to sit down and read the story of Elijah, or the Psalms, or Proverbs, or theologians like Nouwen, Lewis, or Bonhoeffer because they challenge us at every turn to say that we are not doing things correctly. We don't want to know these things because then we start to see on a minute-by-minute basis just how selfish we are, how we now know the truth but choose to ignore it because it is too hard to do. Sadly, I feel that Christendom is full of people that know where they're broken and even know what to do to fix it, but continually choose not to do so because they like the jacked-up life they know rather than submit to a will that they don't. What's worse, they then couch their own resistance to change as martyrdom or lay it at God's feet for being unclear. I can say this because I'm one of them.

Or, at least I was. Recently I believe that I have heard God's voice because for me, corroboration is the key ingredient to a message and I've heard the same message of contentment and expectations from four different sources in the past two weeks. Readings in Nouwen have drawn the connection between solitude and contentedness; a passage in CS Lewis' fictional tale Perelandria talked about the human peculiarity of holding on to the disappointment of not receiving the desired result over the joy of receiving a gift directly from God which is better for us than what we initially desired; I heard a sermon talking about being content with the vocation that God has given to me and making sure that I'm taking care of my responsibilities to the Kingdom above all else; and finally I had a discussion with my homeboy and bandmate Travis, who has been going through a similar situation with contentment and related some of the things he did to get through it. If that's not God's voice in my life, I don't know what is. I don't think it just happened, though - I just think that I have just now been ready to hear it and listen for it. I've been praying about hearing God's voice for two weeks now, and it just now clicked. Seems he's teaching me patience, too.

One last thought on this topic and then I'll call it a night. I'm finding it so hard to hear God's voice because when it comes down to it, I've rarely been told no. I'm at a place in my life where I can get pretty much anything I want (within reason) and I'm the type of person that once I've made up my mind that I want something, I'm going to get it. During my discussion with Travis the other day, he brought up a point which I've been thinking about ever since. I was lamenting my confusion over hearing God's voice on a particular issue where I would come to a state of giving it over to Him and then an event would happen (sometimes within hours of my prayers) that would make me question what I had heard previously. T-Rex brought up the idea that this could very well be a test of my decision - did I really give it over to God or was I doing it just to make myself feel good and then perceive the following event as a "sign from God" on how I was to proceed? He reminded me of Paul's thorn in the flesh and that this situation might never go away and on my own I concluded that my prayers of "change my heart" were really selfish prayers of "make this situation go away" merely couched in a disguise of contrite, searching, martyrdom.

And thus I embark on the hardest part of the Christ-follower's existence: being content in the constant, daily face of things which are desired but cannot be attained for one reason or another. I must be content with the things I have and not exchange the goodness that God gives me for the defeat of dwelling on the disappointment over my expectations not being met in the way that I envisioned them being met. Every expectation that I have is a facet of the intense loneliness that lurks at my core and if I don't learn to turn it over to God and let him meet that expectation in his way, I'll just continue to be confused, hurt, and alone. What's worse, I won't be able to provide an opportunity for anyone else to be themselves around me because I'll be expecting them to fulfill me and they can't possibly do that. It's going to be a tough ride, especially someone who's been pretty independent his whole life, but I'm sure you'll be right there with me as I learn and continue to fill in this thought process and lifestyle.

Thoughts?

The Governator Terminates Cali Jobs

2008-08-05T16:02:37Z

Mmmmm...news about California via a website in the UK...God bless the Internet!

You can read the article for yourself, but basically Arnie is sacking about 10,000 temp jobs and busting everyone else down to minimum wage in an attempt to stop California's hemorrhaging of money. The reason I posted this, though, is due to the last line in the report:

"Democratic and Republican assembly members remain divided over whether to plug the gap with tax increases or spending cuts."

Let's review: a bunch of people just lost their jobs, a whole bunch more still have their jobs but just got a huge pay cut, and the legislature is actually contemplating raising taxes on the people that they just screwed over rather than finding other places to cut spending? And they wonder why most people rank legislators and congressmen right up there with used car salesmen on the Slimeball Scale.

The most awesome thing ever would be if Conan the Governarian pulls off his face and reveals that he is, indeed, an unstoppable death dealing machine from the future. Nobody would complain about his methods from that day forward. Might make reelection more difficult, though.

John Mayer at the Woodlands

2008-08-04T22:45:56Z

The band did a little bit of bonding this weekend and trekked over to Houston to see John Mayer play at the Woodlands. We're fairly big fans of the John Mayer Trio and by varying degrees to a lesser extent of his studio albums and so we thought it would be a good way to get inspired as we start work on a couple of new songs. By the time we got there, the place was pretty tightly packed - we guesstimated that the Woodlands holds probably about 6,000 people and it was a sold-out show. We ended up working our way halfway down the lawn to squeeze into some space between a couple of blankets, but we were still pretty far away:

The tickets said that the show started at 7, but they didn't really say if that was doors or the first artist hitting the stage. By the time we got to the venue and parked and all that rot it was about 7:30 and we had (apparently) missed the opening act but got there right before Colbie Caillat went on. It was her last night of the tour with JM, so he sang a last song with her and she helped him out on the last song of his set.

John totally rocked the house, yo. The guy is a WAY better guitar player than he is singer/songwriter in my opinion, and it was pretty amazing to watch him play (thank God for giant video screens!) as well as watch how the band interacted with him and switched off taking the lead here and there. I also really enjoyed how he'd work in other well known songs into his breakdowns and such - U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Lookin' For" and "Freefallin'" by Tom Petty made notable guest cameos in the middle of songs. He didn't play "Somethin's Missin'", which I found somewhat odd since I think that's his biggest hit - so something literally was missing in the set list. He did play "Vultures" though, which is my favorite song that he does.

The only weird thing about the show was that there is apparently an 11pm curfew at the Woodlands. On a Saturday. With a headlining artist. At a sold-out show. I KNOW, right? Seriously? Really? We couldn't really fathom why there would be a curfew around one of the two major concert venues in Houston (the other being the Verizon Center), and we're not sure who imposed it - was it the city or the Woodlands Pavilion themselves? Very strange, and sort of put a damper on the evening - we paid $30 for the tickets and drove 3 hours one way to see him play for just under 2 hours. Kind of lame. But, overall, it was definitely worth it. We crashed JP's 'rent's house to get some shuteye and then headed back to the ATX on Sunday after a late, late breakfast (probably could have been lunch).

Click the pic above for links to my flickr stream of more photos that I took with my less-than-stellar Centro cam. I know that they're not great, but that's all the vicarious thrill you're going to get from me.

Life On Loan Updates

2008-08-01T05:05:22Z

A lot has happened with Life On Loan this week, so here's a quick update as to the latest in LOL land:

New Tunes Posted! - we're still working on the full 5-song demo EP, but we've posted two of the pre-mastered tracks that we like so far on the myspace page. Once the final master is in we'll update the tracks with the "official" tracks and maybe start rotating them around a bit every few weeks or so. The lyrics are there and those of you that are already myspacers can add the songs to your profile (help get us heard!) and can also comment on and rank the songs. You can't download them at this point, but you can stream them to your heart's content. Come on, people...I want to see those playcounts skyrocketing!
New URLs! - now there are two new ways to find us on the web: www.lifeonloanband.com and www.lifeonloanmusic.com. They direct you straight to the myspace page so you can stay up to date with what we're doing and where we're going.
New Blogs! - we've been documenting the recording process and just random stuff as relates to LOL, so be sure to keep an eye on the blog feed and subscribe if you're so inclined. We'll try to keep it as fresh and interesting as time allows.

We're also working on getting a photographer lined up to take some band photos for our press kit, and we're working with a few friends in the industry to help us put together a package that will get us noticed. The beginnings of a band bio are already up on the myspace page but we'll probably flesh that out a bit more once we get a photo or two that really captures the magic that is the newest band to hit the Austin music scene.

Exciting things are afoot, my friends. Sometimes they don't always move as fast as we (or I, rather) would like, but they are definitely moving in the right direction and we're hoping to start getting some gigs and providing public opportunities to hear us by the end of the year. Thanks to you for the support you've already given to us and we look forward to giving you many more opportunities to do more of the same in the very, very near future. You guys rock almost as hard as we do!