It's going on two and a half months now since IBM and I parted ways officially. I've surely enjoyed this time of not having a job - I have been able to realize some personal dreams (being a real rock star at SXSW), my stress level is at an all-time low, and I'm probably the most well-rested that I have been in years. I've also started working out on a regular basis and that probably wouldn't have happened if I had not had this time to get myself motivated to do it. I've also been able to spend some time studying and preparing to teach our Young Singles group on Sundays, which has also been good for me as it forces me to do some reading and praying that I might not otherwise do.
But I've also noticed some downsides to not having demands on one's time after "being my own man" for awhile. When I first got laid off, there were a ton of things that I was going to do with my newfound freedom - I was thinking about trying to write a book, I wanted to catch up on scads of reading (which I have done), I wanted to practice my drums religiously for 6+ hours a day, hang out at coffee shops, blog incessantly, etc., etc., etc. And, as I look back on my time so far, I find that I've really done none of that with the exception of preparing for the SXSW show and the reading that I mentioned. More often than not, I sleep ridiculously late, spend too much time in front of the television, and also just waste a lot of time online IMing or surfing (either at home or at a cofee shop). I get to the end of the day and wonder where the day went and wonder why I keep wasting time and not doing what I said I wanted to do.
I think a large part of that has to do with disorganization on my part - checklists keep me honest and if I don't actually have a TODO list with deadlines and consequences, I will most likely not get things done. Meaning that while there are probably 30 worthwhile things I can and probably should do, if I don't list them out I probably won't do them. So, I've actually started using the TODO list function on my Centro more on a daily basis, adding in things that need to get done and setting alarms which remind me to do them. So far it has worked out pretty well in the last two weeks (even though I still fail to do some of the more onerous things on my list, regardless of reminders). I'm finding that even in my free time there needs to be some focus on getting things done and doing those things that I want to accomplish because I'll just veg out half the time if left to my own devices and not accomplish anything.
And then there's money. For the first few weeks, I was living life as if nothing had changed except the amount of time I had to do more fun stuff. I was still eating out a lot, still buying a bunch of stuff I don't need, and I had visions of catching up on all the movies I had missed during the day and such like that. When all the rest of your friends are still employed, though, that makes it kind of hard to do some of those things - even watching a movie is just not that much fun to do alone. Now that I'm getting down into the nitty gritty of the severance, I'm starting to watch my money more and more...which is a little odd because I haven't even begun to dip into my "layoff" savings fund in the bank. I still have money from my severance available and if things really came down to brass tacks, I could take my IBM pension which would provide me with a pretty massive influx of cash to sustain me for quite some time, again, long before I would even have to touch my previously accrued savings. I've always had issues with large sums of cash - I think I like the idea of having a cushion more than actually using the cushion when I need it. It has always been hard for me to actually spend a big sum of money that I've spent time saving, and the same is happening here when I think of having to live off of my savings until I can find the job God wants for me. This is the moment I've been saving for, if worse comes to worst - what good is having money in the bank if it's never used? Why should I be worried when I have a nice stack of savings in the bank? I'm finally free of a lot of my stress - do I really need to add some more to my life unnecessarily? I should think not.
And therein lies the other major bugaboo of this time off, because the savings situation touches off another, more deeply rooted attitude in me and a warped God image that I'm just now noticing for the first time - that of security and direction. So far, either God has not yet revealed to me what my next job should be or I'm not hearing him because I don't know where to go next. As I'm fond of saying, I don't need to know what my final destination is going to be but I do absolutely want to know that I'm going in the right direction and I hate wasting time on something that is not ultimately going to be fruitful. I think that if I knew how much longer I was going to be unemployed (even though admittedly most of this time has been of my own choosing because I haven't been actively looking for a job), my outlook would be totally different and I would be pretty much living life like I was when I still had a steady income. I think it's the fact that I don't know when my next job is coming which is scaring me into Chicken Little mode, even though my intellectual side knows that I'm nowhere near that (so stop worrying, Dad - no, I don't need any money). Things aren't bad, but I'm just tempted to think that they're bad because I don't know what's next. If I knew the duration, I could plan accordingly and map things out and assert some type of control over the situation...and then why would I need to rely on God?
A friend of mine with whom I was talking about this very subject asked me, "what did you expect out of this time off or what were you looking for God to do?" That's a very good question. I honestly think that my expectations were that I would screw around for six or eight weeks relaxing and having fun and then either God would open the heavens and declare forth my next career by bringing me the job for which I was created straight out of left field and right to my door or I would sit down, cluster bomb the world with my resume, and have a job in two weeks or so. I believe that I really did think that, deep down. I figured God was giving me this break to clear my head and then he would drop the job in my lap or something would happen that would give me a clear indication of my vocation, of why I was created. Now that he hasn't done that, I'm faced with the insecurity that my initial handle on the situation was wrong, and I have to figure out what to do with the situation I have now. I'm realizing now that I've been pretty complacent about the whole thing and that God doesn't work on my time table, and nothing sends that lesson crashing home harder than getting into an unnecessary panic about something, feverishly asking God to solve the problem, and then not hearing an answer. Quite frankly, things have been pretty good and I'm not out of money, so if I want to be totally honest about things, I have probably still been living in my pride and arrogance and not really being completely poor in spirit about things.
Tonight in home team among other things we talked about Saul getting impatient and making the sacrifice before Samuel got there because he was late, an action which cost him his kingdom and became the first public event in Saul's downward spiral. It really resonated with me in light of my above ruminations and I began to think about my own unwarranted panic and desperation about asserting some control over my situation. If I'm being poor in spirit and letting God control things and my whole desire is to be with him in the moment, regardless of what that moment is, then the right job will come to me. Will it be the fulfillment of my life? Probably not - but I won't have to worry that I'm not in the place where God wants me to be. Opportunities are times where I have to step up, take them, do my best, be honest, and then step back and let him guide and direct. If that becomes my focus, and I'm willing to examine myself and my life for areas in which I've failed in my pride and arrogance, then I will hear from God and will find myself smackdab in the middle of his plan for my life. Instead of worrying about tomorrow, I should just enjoy what I've been given today.
I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.
nice to see how our little talks make their way onto the information superhighway - hope all is well and God is using the weekend to talk to you more about this ;)
Hey, man...cigars are good memory retention devices. Just cuz the words are spoken amid a haze of smoke doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. :) It was a good question and one I'm still thinking about and trying to come up with an answer to.